BRAVERY
I’ve spent two and a half weeks alone in Athens in the middle of summer. Moved to New York City on an abnormally hot spring day with nothing but two suitcases. Jumped onto motorbikes in South East Asia. Dove off cliffs and driven cars in foreign countries and moved myself in the dead of winter in a U-Haul and hiked the Himalayas and gone to dark basement clubs with people I just met.
Bravery. It’s a funny word. On one hand, I’ve been told many times there are things I do other people can’t. Live alone for many years. Go to a wedding where I know no one besides the bride. Spend weeks alone in a foreign city.
Alone. Alone. Alone. It’s with others that’s scary.
Talking to the guy. Telling people what I want. Allowing myself to be seen. “Putting myself out there.” Expressing my needs. Being visible. Again and again and again.
Alone, there’s peace. But that’s not the life I want. Disgruntled that people don’t “see” me, when I’m the one in hiding. Moving in silence means you don’t get heard. Said in other words: Closed mouths don’t get fed.
What does it mean to be brave. How does one stop being terrified.
Doing it anyway. Feeling the fear and not letting it crush you. Being the “man in the arena”, the one who “quells the storm and rides the thunder”. Thinking about yourself less. Actually, just thinking less.
Being brave. I’ll do it tomorrow.
Last week I saw With Hasan in Gaza with Vedika at BAM. The film is made up entirely of home videos shot over two days in Gaza in 2001. The footage has burrowed under my skin and into my brain in more ways than one since. One scene, especially, as they walk around demolished homes near a checkpoint. For over thirty minutes (it felt like?), you could hear the loud yells in the background, “Move. You there. Get out of the car.” It was exhausting. And then the thought. They lived that way for 25 years. The children you see are grown-ups now. This is their whole world. It’s haunting. Urgent viewing.
I took a random Wednesday off earlier this month and went to Mood Fabrics to buy a new curtain for my canopy bed. After, I sat inside Angelika East for three hours and watched One Battle After Another, and then had TabeTomo. That night, I saw Addison at Brooklyn Paramount. It was best. day. ever?
Girls Dinner at Funny Bar for the soul. Only serves steak, a side of fries, a vegetable, and a salad. Wine list but no cocktail menu. Live jazz most nights. Dimly lit and delicious. Need I say more?
Talk soon xx
You are brave ❤️